Just because something can play video games, doesn't mean it should play all of them.
By: Ray Barnholt April 12, 2012
Today, most multi-platform games don't have huge gulfs in quality between them. Whether it's on Xbox 360, PS3, or PC, you can be somewhat confident that you'll get the same experience (unless it's Skyrim version 1.0). In the '80s and '90s, it wasn't so easy; consoles, computers and arcades all seemed to be evolving at different speeds. So what happens when a mega hit on one platform got converted for a lesser one? Oftentimes not a whole lot, but depending on the system, the results could be, let's say, less than desirable. Not all of the following classic ports are bad -- just nine out of 10, and that's if you like Dragon's Lair -- but their incredible disparity makes them almost as classic as their source material.
Resident Evil 2 on Game.com
When one of the hottest games of 1998 meets one of the worst handhelds ever devised, you can almost smell the smoldering wreckage. Resident Evil 2 was, and still is, considered one of the best in the entire series. It was a lengthy, well-done survival horror hit. On the Game.com, Tiger turned it into a slow, sparse, not-so-horrific adventure that only featured Leon's story, not that you'd bother to play through it to begin with. The fact that this was pushed hard as a "marquee" Game.com game should tell you all you need to know. Thankfully you can just play the original on your PSP these days.
Oddworld Adventures on Game Boy
Oddworld: Abe's Oddysee! A widely celebrated puzzle platformer with great pre-rendered CGI graphics comparable to a Hollywood film! Now erase nearly all those graphics in order to make a monochrome Game Boy game, and voila, you just made a much less appealing version of the game that's devoid of any of the atmosphere or charm the creators intended, and is now nothing but a puzzle platformer. "Odd" doesn't begin to describe it.
Dragon's Lair on Game Boy Color
In truth, you could throw a rock and hit a pile of crazy Game Boy ports, but then the rock would bounce off into a ditch clogged with Dragon's Lair ports. They're bound to cross-pollinate, so sure enough, we got Dragon's Lair on GB Color. Years earlier, Dragon's Lair on Game Boy was a platformer based on a totally different game, but this one is special because it's directly based on the arcade game, which means the developers actually redrew the animated movies of the original to fit on the GBC. Impractical, but a nice proof-of-concept on the surface. But still, why? Is Dragon's Lair really popular enough to have it ported to the LCD readout on your Keurig machine?
Super Mario Bros. Special on PC-8801
If you ever thought the original Super Mario Bros. was a unique and pure snowflake, well, get a load of SMB Special, an officially licensed port of the NES original by Hudson for the PC-8801, a woefully underpowered Japanese computer. It's rickety, to say the least: the screen doesn't actually scroll, so levels are portioned out screen-by screen, which is a breeding ground for all sorts of mistakes, like making blind jumps into holes, or running straight into an enemy that was a little too close to the edge of the screen.
Street Fighter I on DOS
Infamous bile distributor Hi-Tech Expressions once published a version of the first Street Fighter game on a platform that, at that time, probably could have handled a game that looked more like its source material. The DOS version of Street Fighter looked like it was made in QBASIC, with tiny characters on wide-open stages in an overall bastardization that makes Super Mario Bros. Special look perfect. For what it's worth, the port played just as badly as the original, so at least the mechanics were accurate. Adding insult to injury, the back of the box featured screenshots from the arcade version. Thanks, Hi-Tech Shysters!
Street Fighter II on ZX Spectrum
The ZX Spectrum, the UK's favorite 8-bit microcomputer, somehow managed to stay alive for more than 10 years, regularly getting new published games into the early '90s. That includes one of the early '90s biggest hits, Street Fighter II. Compared to the prequel for DOS, SFII on Spectrum actually tries to look as close to the arcade game as usual despite being displayed in upwards of two colors and moving like a zoetrope animation. Surely no one bought and played this earnestly. Right? Even the Game Boy port was smoother.
Ninja Gaiden III on Atari Lynx
On a purely technical level, the Lynx was the best handheld system of its time, but it never quite caught up to the quantity or quality of its competitors' games. Nevertheless, it got some decent licensed games, including Tecmo's Ninja Gaiden III, a port of the NES game, and on the Lynx was honestly one of the more substantial games for it. But as much as that is the case, the game still suffered. The biggest problem was the screen size. The Lynx may have had some advantages, but its screen resolution was pitiful for a color system, and it made the comparatively larger NES version look like a stained glass painting. Also, the jump and attack buttons were reversed from the NES, which is not only bonkers, but downright criminal.
SimCity 2000 on GBA
The original SimCity for Super NES was done by Nintendo, who tried their best to adapt a mouse-based PC game to a console controller, and it worked out. More than a decade later, SimCity 2000 was ported to the Game Boy Advance by a company that was certainly not Nintendo. SC2K was quite an advanced sequel, so the GBA can't quite handle everything in it, and in fact cuts some of the smaller tasks from the game. But that's not the biggest issue in a port that should be perfect for portable play, but is basically a slow and clunky mess.
Duke Nukem 3D on Sega Genesis
Many first-person shooters got some odd ports -- even the aforementioned Spectrum got a version of Doom -- but nothing is as insane as the Brazil-only version of Duke Nukem 3D for the Genesis/Mega Drive. This official port bears virtually no resemblance to the actual Duke Nukem 3D. It does, however, look a lot like Wolfenstein 3D, as it's nothing but claustrophobic mazes that have next to no graphic detail. For all we know, it could've been a Wolf 3D port in the beginning. Either way, you'll be shocked that the Genesis could produce an FPS like that on its own, as well as shocked that someone had the balls to make said FPS Duke Nukem.
Double Dragon on Atari 2600
Look, Double Dragon was a seminal game. We're not here to debate that. Companies that licensed it had every right to put it on the systems they wanted to. But that doesn't necessarily explain why Activision thought the Atari 2600 was a smart choice for a version of Double Dragon -- in 1989, when the system was already beyond crusty and the NES (and Master System) version was already out and selling like hotcakes. Thrill as our magenta-tinted heroes prance along the screen and give the bad guys a few highly pixelated knuckle sandwiches! Cringe as the slow melodic theme song attempts to be catchy! The ideal scenario would be someone who had held on to their 2600 for so long buying and playing Double Dragon, then realizing it's finally time to go out and get an NES.
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